Living Waterside

I am not a big fan of New Year’s Resolutions, because they are likely to be broken with the first temptation after the ball drop, usually about 12:02 am. However, this year, I have resolved to make resolutions and to send them out into the blog-o-sphere, with the intent that this will hold me accountable to them. (yep, right).

1. Throw away all the gift wrap remnants left over after the holidays. Hello, my name is Stephanie and I’m a paper remnant saver. I hope by admitting that I have a problem, I can find a twelve step program to make it go away. With each wrapped gift, there’s always those left over pieces that aren’t big enough for the next gift, but are bigger than too little to save. These scraps make me crazy! I toss them in the bin with all the gift wrap tubes and they work their way down to the bottom of the tube, and once they get bunched up, then the bin won’t close and the remnants are too wrinkly to use. Yet, I continue to keep them, in the hopes that some little present will come along that will match perfectly with the odd scraps. If I were Martha Stewart organized, I’d probably organize my to-be-wrapped gifts by size and work my way from largest to smallest, maximizing my paper potential. I’m not. I am a paper waster.

Lucky for me, my trusty four legged companion (and I don’t mean my sweetie when he’s working on plumbing under the sink – no innuendo intended here), loves to eat paper. This dog is a paper shredder and in my quest to keep him happy so he won’t eat the couch or the cat, I willingly offer him paper scraps for his dining pleasure. Thusly (is that even a word?), I offer to my puppy all the paper scraps he can eat, solving my problem and making him happy. Aren’t we all supposed to get more fiber in our diets anyway?

2. In conjunction with #1, recycle all the leftover cardboard boxes piled in the corners of the office, kitchen, laundry room, utility room, and garage. I am an Internet shopper. If I never had to go to a mall again, that would be ok. If I could upload my hologram and then it could virtually try on clothes, I would be a happy camper. The side effect of my shipped shopping is that there are an excessive number of boxes in and around the house. And I am a box hoarder, because I know someday I’m going to have the perfectly sized box for the scrap wrapped gift. But, it is a fire hazard and an accessibility hazard and they’re just plain in the way. In the spirit of single stream recycling, I am going to flatten all the boxes and banish them to the curb to find a happy home in someone’s compost pile.

3. Resist the urge to suck my stomach in when I’m on the scale. The rational side of my brain understands that I don’t weigh anything different if I’m holding my pudgy tummy in or not, but that doesn’t stop me from pulling in my stomach and standing up straight when I step on the scale…every time. I know the scale can’t see me, but the fantasy side of my brain believes that if I could make myself taller and leaner in this moment in time, I would also weigh less. After I master this one, I can work on accepting that the miniscule difference between wet and dry hair does not significantly impact my weight. I’m still going to tell the doctor at each annual weigh in that my shoes and clothes combined add an extra 10 pounds, though.

4. Stop pulling up my forehead to see what a face lift looks like. I’m not sure when this started in the past year, but I’ve suddenly become obsessed with wrinkles. Perhaps it’s because every magazine and billboard includes pictures of people with ironed faces. Or because time, gravity, and all those years of excessive smiling are finally taking their toll and creating lines and sags where none existed before. Personally, I’m blaming it on the depletion of collagen that happens once hot flashes start (thank you for that information from my trusted doctor: Dr. WebMD). I keep thinking that if I grow my bangs long enough, they will cover the wrinkles and lines and age (appropriate) spots and such, but I fear I will end up looking like Cousin Itt from the Addams Family in order to cover them all.

5. I will not pee on my Spanx. This may sound strange, but I am apparently not coordinated enough to wear Spanx (my new BFF) and use the bathroom without removing them. Yes, I know there is a secret access panel that is supposed to allow easy access; the Spanx website describes it as a “cotton double gusset for convenience when nature calls.” (BTW, I had to Google “gusset” to learn it is “triangular or rhomboid piece of fabric inserted into a seam…to shape garments to the body” – FINALLY I figured out when my high school geometry would come in handy!). However it is not “convenient” when you have to hold your dress up or pants down and figure out how to expand the gussets after a few too many glasses of wine. I’ve not determined if this resolution will eventually be to stop wearing Spanx or stop having to go to the bathroom, because I’m for sure not going to stop drinking wine.

I believe that this year, for the first time, I will be able to keep all these resolutions. Much better than in years past when I resolved to eat 5 servings of fruit or vegetables every day (ever open a can of peas at 10pm??) or to double the number of push-ups and sit-ups every day for a year – in case you wanted to do the math (I had to build a spreadsheet to do it), it’s over 536,870,012 in the first month alone…and bigger than a googol – a number followed by 100 zeros.

Merry Happy New Year!