Living Waterside

With my mid-century birthday fast approaching, I decided it was time to actually complete some of those items on my ever present to do list. Like going through the over 150 emails in my inbox and taking action by reading, filing, deleting, or actually doing productive work. I even utilized one of those techniques they say high performing people do – I set the timer for 40 minutes, figuring I could quell my “squirrel” distracted nature for that long to actually accomplish something.

Sorting my emails by subject, because why take care of the newest or oldest first, the ones with no subject are at the top. There are four. They are all from me to me. Opening the first, it was a link to an article from Twitter that I had read at 1am when I was again battling a restless night and thought I may want to read this again when I am coherent. It was a NY Times (go real news!) article from Dec 26, 2016 (yes, I am that far behind in emails) titled “11 Ways to Be a Better Person in 2017.” Well, who doesn’t want that, right? I made it to #5 before squirrel took over…

#5 – “Try Tinder for Everlasting Love”

Well, why not. I didn’t really know what Tinder was, except that the girls at the office had lots of dates that originated from this magical Tinder place that I imagined was filled with exotic, romantic, commitment oriented men who just wanted a woman to place on a pedestal and worship like the goddesses they are. Before my fingers could stop themselves, I had Googled it, then downloaded the app, and then apparently granted full access to my entire Facebook profile just so I could find Prince Charming. Which then caused me another distraction to run through all the Facebook tags and pictures just to be sure there wasn’t a stray one in there that should be tagged for “best friends only” or “my eyes only.”

Time to setup my profile. Wait one minute…Tinder already stole my Facebook profile pictures! No, No, No! Those aren’t the ones that make me look desirable and goddesslike. Those are for my Facebook friends who already know how crazy I am. Crap, have to figure out how to change these pictures and put in the glamour selfies when I was actually wearing makeup or not yoga pants and a t shirt. Not too many of those out there. Jeez, I also have to write about me. I am not prepared for this. What the hell to I write in 500 letters that describes the awesomeness of me? I don’t want to sound like a sex addict or alcoholic or fitness freak. Why is this so difficult? OK, profile done, now onto finding Mr. Right (Now).

Starting the app, there was a quick tutorial that explained that I swipe right if I like what I see, or left if I don’t. Seems simple enough. Except, intending to swipe right on the first picture, I swiped Northeast on the screen to remove a smudge, and I think I might be engaged. Apparently swipe in the wrong direction and you’ve just been betrothed to a random stranger. Swiping up is “Super Like” which sounds like the notes I used to pass in elementary school. However, there is no “undo” for Super Like, unless I pay $19.99 for a month of undos. Seriously? I have to pay for mistakes? Isn’t there enough of that in life that we have to pay for. I just sent up a little prayer that Mr. Super Like, who by the way, does not appear in my Swipe Right List (there must be a secret display place for Super Like dudes), won’t Super Like me back, because I think that means my bank accounts will automatically be deducted for half my net worth.

Focusing now with laser like concentration to only allow my fingers to swipe right or left, I found a nice one. Darren, who is moving back to Vancouver in April. He has nice eyes, and smiles in his pictures, and likes hockey. I think we’re going to have a rosy future. Swipe Right. Mickey, who likes motorcycles, tattoos, and piercings. Quick Swipe Left. This is easy. Men with dogs, swipe right. Topless men, swipe left. Why aren’t there any men with cats? Woman with a snake around her neck, swipe left and then wash my hands.

Ooh, wait, one of my swipes swiped me back! OMG OMG OMG…now what? Crap, he wants to have a text conversation…he is nice (meaning he spells good) and likes my smile. Awwww… He wants to know what I do for a living, so I reply “Technology consulting. I help businesses install new systems…pretty much I type really fast. What about you?” (Short, sweet, and funny, I think, as I pat myself on the back). “Self-employed trades landscape contractor. Pretty much I dig holes quick and fill them in lol,” he replies. (Ok, he’s witty too.). This is love Internet style. I’ve now opened up Bridal magazine to start looking for dresses for summer weddings…

Now, I’m addicted…I keep browsing and swiping and finding matches of people who have swiped me as well, because there is some serious serotonin and endorphin boost when I swipe right and get rewarded with the “They Like You Too” message and now start a conversation. Then I have to wonder what kind of extroverted introvert I am that it’s Saturday night, with just 3 nights left of my 40’s and I am in my waterside apartment, baking cookies and checking out profiles on Tinder.
To Be Continued…