Like any shiny new thing, Tinder is my new obsession. Swipe right, swipe left, determine my future. Who knew I could mess with the Fates so easily? I am in bed, unable to put the app down, even though my phone is now at 26% battery, because Mr. Right Now may be waiting at home on a Saturday night to find his true love just a swipe away.
However, I am confused about the overwhelming amount of idiot information that people are willing to use to describe themselves. Not that I would publicly admit to being a fan of rainbows, unicorns, and puppy breath (oh, too late now), but come on! Some of the things I saw…
“…ok with one cat.” What the hell? What’s wrong with a houseful of cats? Is two cats a deal breaker? I mean, I get it, no one wants to date the crazy cat lady, but does having more than one make you crazy? OK, maybe I’m a little sensitive on this one, but if I’m not willing to ship my cats across the country to be with their ex-Daddy and dog brother, I’m for sure not giving one up for a stranger. Two swipes left – one for each cat.
“…I believe in #Pluralism…” I had to look this one up, because I wasn’t sure if it was a euphemism for “I like group sex.” After learning it was indeed about the ability of two principles to coexist at the same time, supporting diversity, I was ok. But then again, the same guy likes #HPSauce, and I have no idea what that is, or if it means something else and who would waste valuable words to admit they like brown gravy? Why not use #Bernaise or #Marsala and go pretentious? Tempting, but swipe left because I don’t like gravy.
The next one – first picture is topless in the bathroom mirror with a towel falling off. Ok, come on? Is that how you want to world to view your priorities? And then you list as your description “Introvertish.” Really? Most introverts I know wear turtlenecks and pants that come down to the floor and have learned to knot their towels in such a way that they could run down the street being chased by a guy in a mask with a chain saw and the towel would still be attached to their body. Quickly swipe left.
OK, here’s one that could be a keeper – “Canadian & proud.” Wait, does that mean proud like pride and he’s really looking for someone not like me? Crap, when did vocabulary become so complicated. And then “…A romantic, interests include films (Thomas Crown Affair) and sports (UFC).” How in the world did those two things end up in a sentence together? A classic movie (twice done, twice liked) about a mysterious romance and CAGE FIGHTING? Can’t see the pluralism there (using my new words), so swipe left again.
Saved the best for last. No other way than to just jump in on this one. Picture a Duck Dynasty guy without his shirt on. Now stop shaking your head to get that picture out and enjoy his self-description: “I am Redneck bearded man that likes to get dirty and make you smile. Ask me anything.” Shut down the app on this one.
Good God, is this really how people meet in the Internet age?